This is me...and my blended family...

I wanted to take just a few minutes of your time and introduce myself. 

My name is Barbara Finlinson. My husband, Rust and I, are head of a beautiful blended family. (I don't really care for the term step-family.) I have four children from a previous marriage and he has three. We are a family of two handsome sons and five beautiful daughters. 

Part and parcel with this arrangement come my husband's ex-wife and my ex-husband. I'm a (step)mom and my husband is a (step)dad.

My children have a (step)mother and (step)sisters and we all have our own expectations, emotions, stresses, jealousies, and baggage. 

Both sets of children travel several hours every other weekend to spend time with each different household. This, in and of itself is hectic, expensive, and stressful. But we think that fostering a relationship in both places is very important for our children.

My husband and I went to high school together but did not know each other. We grew up in traditional Mormon families and both were married very young. 

We ended up, after about 15 years, back in the small towns we grew up in at the same time and going through the same things. We feel like Heavenly Father put us into each others path for a reason. We both feel extremely lucky to be here in this situation together. Rust is everything that I have ever looked for in a husband and I feel like, because of the experiences I have had, I can appreciate him in a way that I could not have without those experiences. 

I am eternally grateful for him. He is a rock of support and love.

We are Latter-Day Saints (or Mormons). I have a strong testimony of the gospel. I know that it is true. I also know, that because of my faith and obedience to its teachings I have been blessed in my life, in all ways, and especially through extremely difficult times.

 But church for me has changed since I have been divorced and it changed again when I remarried. 

My husband and I go to church every Sunday and take the children we have that weekend with us. My husband's children, in essence, have two home wards. My children do not attend church with their Father and so only go to church half of the time.

 Both of these situations are difficult in their o wn way. 

Weboth have children that do not live with us. We don't have full control over what they are taught. Family home evening includes less than half of us. Sometimes we have conflicting church activities like Primary Programs, Scout and Young Women's camp. Leaders do not always understand and do not always show compassion. Sometimes the lessons that are taught are painful and confusing for both myself, my husband, and our children. 

Where do we fit in?

A blended family always has different problems than a traditional family. 

Rust and I are forging ahead through unknown territory and often through extremely painful situations. We are doing it together. But I feel alone.

Sometimes I am angry. Why is this my problem? Why did my children have to go through this? Sometimes I am indifferent. 

Sometimes I am so ridiculously happy in my relationship with Rust ......I feel guilty. 

And sometimes I am confident that all of the things that have happened to my children and my husband and I are for our learning and good.

 I do manage to see the silver lining. I'm also humbled by the deep love I have for my husband and know that without these trials I wouldn't have him. This is a double silver lining. So I keep going. I research, I pray, and study the scriptures.....and then I pray again....and again...and sometimes (on a bad day) all day long.

 And of course I wonder.....how will this all work out??

I know there are many stories out there. I know there are many families that deal with the same issues. I want their help. I want a support group. I want the strength that comes in numbers.

This is my hope and prayer for this blog. Could we share our sorrows and pain? Could we share our issues and our solutions? Could we share our joys and successes? And can we share our testimony of the gospel and how our blended families tie into its eternal teachings?

I also hope that this blog can be positive. I know everyone out there has been bitter and angry at an ex or a spouse's ex. There is a real temptation to call names and be spiteful...(I'm laughing while I'm writing this) :-) I hope that as we write our stories and share our issues, we can refrain from doing those things. (No matter how good it would feel at the time.) If you have been there, you know and you know that we know..... And that is precisely why we need each other.

I am, as we speak, on the hunt for people who will share their story. E-mail me if you or someone you know would be willing to contribute. If you have read a great article or have other resources contact me as well. Any small quote, snippet of wisdom, story, or book is happily welcomed.... Anything!! Anything at all!!! :-)

Thanks again,

Barb

barbhasmail@gmail.com

"Forever Family" lost....

Divorced and Mormon. These are not usually words that you hear together and I'm not really sure why. I'd like to quote statistics on Mormons and divorce but I'm unable to find current ones or ones I would trust to be accurate. But just living life in an LDS community, I have become acutely aware that I am surrounded by divorced/blended families. And yet often, I feel alone.

I'm Mormon and I've been divorced.  Am I a failure?

There is not much resource to study here. But this is what I know:

 I am a daughter of God with intrinsic worth. He loves me and knows my heart. 

I am not the heroine spoke of in many stories I've read. She endured decades of abuse, torment, infidelity, addiction, unhappiness, (or insert your problems here) and did so with charity and long suffering until finally one day her husband's heart softened and happiness was found. That's not me.  I could not "stick it out" with my first husband. I don't have a miraculous story to tell. But that's ok. 

I'm not broken and neither is my family.

By no means am I encouraging divorce. If I could talk anyone out of frivolous divorce I would. My advice would be to try. Try like you have never tried before. Shed blood, sweat, and tears. Don't give up! The grass is DEFINITELY NOT greener on the other side.......all the time. Life will not always be easier in a different situation. It is afterall, life, and therefore a test.

But sometimes, it is not necessary or healthy to stay married to a certain person. That is okay too.

If you are divorced, don't despair. Remember there is no hope. Your life is not over. In fact, you can make it infinitely better.

 "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

Joshua 1:9

He is always there. You are not alone. You are not a failure. You've suffered an eternal loss that nobody can understand unless they've suffered it too. I want you to know that there are many other people, just like you, going through the same things. 

They have suffered the same loss. 

  Don't despair. 

If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel keep trudging through. Heavenly Father has a plan for you. He will guide you and when you look back at this time of your life you will see the miracles He performed in your behalf.

 Yes, the family that you dreamed of having and maybe even had is gone. That is over.

 Things will never be the same. But ultimately your loss will be repaid.

      

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.

That which is taken away from those who love the Lord

will be added unto them in His own way.

While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful

will know that every tear today will eventually be

returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

  

But, sometimes even the church lacks comforting resources. The teachings that once brought you joy and comfort (ie; eternal families, marriage, etc) sound hollow and can become painful reminders.

Church can sometimes feel totally different and foreign. I remember sitting through fast and testimony meetings. Ward members would get up and thank Heavenly Father for their beautiful spouse or their forever family, etc... I'd sob and go home. 

My daughter came home from Primary crying because they had sung "I'm so glad when Daddy comes Home". 

I was asked if my daughter really could fulfill her Beehive Presidency calling because she is gone every other weekend. 

These things are painful for me......and for my children.

Sigh...

 The list goes on and on. Nobody understands, leaders don't realize, Bishoprics and leaders don't receive special blended family etiquette training, etc. This is because nobody talks about it.

I want to change that.

 If you are remarried life is still hard. Prince or Princess Charming came but now there are a new set of problems. Usually these problems come in the form of new family dynamics....such as his/hers and ours children, the ex husbands and wives, and their new spouses.

New marriages are not perfect. They also have a set of problems. It's an enormous and eternal learning curve. You could deal with jealousy, resentment, competition, and a whole new set of emotions you may not even have known existed. You added more people. You added more possibility for problems.

There are unanswered questions. You need advice. I need advice. 

WE ALL NEED ADVICE.

But most of all, we need ideas. We need each others experiences, heartaches, successes, and joys.

We need each other.

We are allies in the same battle. We are a resource for each other. We need the "what works" and the "what does not work" and the "what DEFINITELY does NOT works".....

 I recently read a book entitled "Trust God No Matter What" by Darla Isackson. In it, there are two chapters that specifically reference divorce. This is her insight:

"Because of what I've experienced in the twenty-some years since (her divorce), I can understand better why the Church is so adamant in its position on avoiding divorce. For the parents and for their children, life after divorce can be full of emotional challenges, likely to dim the glow of special occasions, and less likely to bring joy....

Because of the Atonement there is always hope. The Savior extends hope to everyone - including those of us who found our marital situations unbearable and chose to divorce, whatever the reasons."

 My goal for this blog is to grow knowledge and spread hope. To start a conversation about divorced/blended Mormon families and the issues that we face.

Let's gain strength from each others experiences.

 I am no expert on this subject so my words will not always be the ones that you read on this blog. In fact, I need your help! I want to feature guest writers. Are you someone that could contribute? Would you be willing to share your story and  insight? Do you know someone who is facing these issues? Have you been inspired by someone's story? Please let me know.

 Send me an email at barbhasmail@gmail.com

In Matthew 7:17 we read:

 "What man among you, having a son, and he shall be standing out, and we shall say, Father, open thy house that I may come in and sup with thee, and will not say, Come in, my son"

We don't need to stand outside alone. Come in. Let's do this together. 

-Barb